*head desk*

I need a topic to speak about.
Enlighten me.

There are many problems associated with writer's block, apart from the obvious fact that your muse goes AWOL and your head feels empty. With me, the fact that I have spent about eighteen months suffering from it is rather starting to get my goat. This is a rather stupid amount of time, and I'm starting to wonder if my lack of writing isn't just more apathetic than actually not having ideas. I can never carry an idea through. I do have some occasionally, which act as a flash of florescence to brighten my day, but considering that all of my ideas seem to revolve around time travel, I largely give up before I ever grab a Biro. After all, there is only so many times you can write about being kidnapped by a version of yourself six months in the future.
Another problem I have is just with the whole nature of blogs. Part of me-the 'attention-of-a-gnat' element of my consciousness in case you feel like dissecting- wonders if it isn't the equivalent of being the drunk girl at a party wearing fairy wings and going 'shut up everybody! This song is about ME!'.

However, I have already vented my spleen about this odd kind of Catholic guilt (odd as I ain't Catholic), and so I am now actually going to talk about something.

*drum roll*

Graduate Job Snobbiness!

I, like what feels like the entirety of all students is currently looking for a graduate job. Admittedly, this search only began a couple of days ago, partly as the dissertation has now gone off to the great big history department secretary office in the sky, partly because I'm now being asked by my folks' friends 'what are you looking at doing?' , and partly as I have come to the conclusion that three years of studying early modern history must make me employable to someone (My footnoting abilities are excellent if I say so myself). What I like to think is that somehow I will find a job involving books, people, food, something new everyday, creativity and a sense of accomplishment.
At this very early stage of job hunting, what is bothering me is how choosy I am over what jobs I am looking for. Namely, is it wrong of me to feel snobby about Tesco's graduate scheme? As it has been pointed out to me, one out of every five pounds is spent at the place where every little bit helps(every little bit of what exactly? Everytime I see it, the grammar troll in me snarls), but I see the uniforms and the adverts with 'that-bloke-of-Doc-Martin' and my heart sinks. I'm already applying for other places though, and so expect updates about a romantic students dealings with the real world.

Little Argument with Myself

"But, what if it's crap?"
"How do you mean?"
"... What I'm working on. This dissertation. What if I'm doing it wrong?"
"Eh? What brought on that idea?"
" I dunno, I'm looking at it and thinking that it isn't academic enough"
"Oh, come on. That's a pile of rubbish. Has anyone told you that it's crap?"
" Well, I've been told to re-structure it a couple of times and that has only been one chapter"
"But they didn't say it was the information was crap, it's just you are not brilliant at structuring arguements"
" Yeah, well..."
"Look, has anyone told you that all of your work, all of your reading, all of your ideas and all of your analysis is rubbish? Don't do yourself down. You've put so much of yourself into this, it's going to be fine."
"You sure?"
"Yes"
"Oh, okay."

*************
Half an hour later
*************

"... But what if it's crap?"

But of Course...

Current Mood: Busy
Song: Blockbuster by Free

There are fewer feelings in the world I hate than being stressed. I mean, I can cope with being constantly busy, but I hate stress for the buzz it gives in my head and the headaches and the irrational fears of failure. I have to remind myself that this time will pass.
The worst thing is, I take it out on people who do not deserve it as I tend to lose my temper.

So, I haven't updated this in a while.

"...Well, I do check your blog from time to time"

"... So, would you like it if I started writing it again?"

"Yes"

*****

Blogging to me doesn't feel like a moral obligation, which is why I stopped doing it. From being an entertaining way to report back to people about my trip to the USA, it became something that struggled to find its way into any kind of 'to do' list that I had post it noted to my window. However, I plan to change all this. I already use slate on my facebook page, but want to kick start this again.

In no real order, this is why I stopped updating:

• I started third year at University. I would love to sound all wise about this year and give out sound advice to the proverbial Fresher Grasshopper, but third year (despite me being as prepared as I could) has felt like I jumped out of moving bus and was made to keep running. As it has for many hours, my life has become one full of piles of books in my room, late buses home and devastating amounts of money-more like the GDP of a particularly obscure nation-spent on stationary. I do actually have a life (what with Student Radio and all) outside of the library, but it has become a rare day that I do not finish before 11pm most evenings. Apart from that, thirs year is fun, considering how much how much you try to cram into one day.

Linked to this has been...

• My Dissertation. Before third year, dissertations had always been mentioned to me by older peers as either really easy or with the same gravitas that you might announce that you are about to have a major heart operation. I deliberetly chose a topic that has a limited interest, but I have become (slightly) obsessed with it. I'm taking this as a good thing, yet feel that not everyone is as excited as me about finiding census data.
• My writing-Ha! I wish, I haven't done any for a while. I love trying to, but I rarely have any ideas about what I want to do, and I always feel that at heart I don't have anything to say in fiction (which has the unfortunate effect of me wanting to write emo like poetry). I'm rather thematic in what I write (ie: odd science fiction). However, I have a few ideas boiling away in the back of my head, and I will actually write them soon... Like, seriously!
• Reading other people's blogs. I love the website 'BoingBoing' (http://www.boingboing.net/), and spend quite a bit reading other people's blogs on there. The images and stories they find are always interesting. They also recommend really good books.
• Knitting. Yes, I knit now. yes, I knit in public. No, I don't really care that much about the public reaction-it's hardly poledancing after all. It is a past time that has really developed because I get to see my mate Beck more often through it, and also because it is a lovely way to unwind when you are tired of reading for the day (slight rant about Marxist historians; why do some use such stupidly convoluted language to convey their ideas when I thought the fundamental idea of Marxism was to represent the people? I take great joy out of summurising arguements that they have and putting them into two sentences. This when I am left wing; *sigh*). If you can see a picture at the top of this page, it is of a teddy I made last summer. it's name is Bernard.
• Student Radio. I will miss this-along with all the other opportunities I had-so much when I leave University.
• Drawing. I have had an idea of getting one of my recent ideas done into a comic strip.
• Feeling I have nothing to say. This has been slightly disproved by the length of this blog, which is pleasing.

I'm not good at keeping promises to myself, but I will update this-work, life and piles of yarn permitting. I may even put some of my writing up on here.

So, before I leave, here is a list of the websites I have liked recently (I would put down academic ones, such as the Oxford Dictionary of National Biography, but these ones are a bit more fun).

I am now off to bed.

http://www.boingboing.net/

http://www.knitty.com/

http://www.superdickery.com/

http://www.atu2.com/

http://www.iwatchstuff.com/

http://blog.craftzine.com/archive/knitting/

http://wanderingscribe.blogspot.com/

http://whythatsdelightful.wordpress.com/

www.bbc.co.uk/doctorwho

http://www.cracked.com/

http://www.theonion.com/

http://vgcats.com/

http://xkcd.com/

http://www.mcsweeneys.net/

Food

It has just occured to me that I could really go for Pizza right now.
By pizza, I do not mean the bland stuff at University but the real, New Yawk stuff. The suff where it is impossible to lift with one hand. Where cheese cascades over it like a gooey, calciumated Victoria falls. Which has bits of meat that came from about thirty animals (not all the same breed). And also vegetables that have gone slightly crunchy after sitting under hot lights for a couple of hours.
The odd thing is, it's more of an impulse than a craving (it occured to me, like, 5 minutes ago). It's like my love for Jolly Ranchers or Grapes. However, why have finger food when you eat pieces of pizza bigger than your head?

Clueless

I am watching a Greenday video. Okay, this isn't new. Apart from the fact that they have packaged themselves as a marketable commodity to the 'rebel without a clue' teenage market (I mean, Greenday jewellry in Claire's accessories? It's about as rebellious as filling in a Big Brother application form), they aren't bad. I rather admire their Blokey eyeliner, partly as I imagine if they did it themselves or if they got their wives to do it for them.
For their videos, they now have to pixellate the images of them smoking. This makes them all look like they have a horrible STD.

Concert Etiquette

To Whom It May Concern,
Sir, I believe you are drunk. Yes, it may be the end of the year and are well enclined to do what you choose in these times of intoxicating (in more ways than one) freedom, but please pay attention to the Etiquette and manners that are unspoken in times of being in a crowd, namely Moshing.

1. If you wish to get to the front of the crowd, doing the following is not acceptable:

• Forcing your way through holding a cigarette,
• Forcing your way through holding a precarious looking plastic pintglass of something that may just be pee. However, since Murphy Law states that you never, see someone filling up a bottle with their pee in a concert setting, it could just well be Carling.

Pouring a drink down a girls's top and nearly burning them with your cigarette does not make you sexy, shows you up to be a moron and wins you no friends.

2. As hard as it is to believe, Moshing requires you to jump about with a lot of people in a small space. On average you could probably fit 30 moshers into the area the size of a toilet cubicle. Therefore, if someone says that they can not move forward due to the sheer mass of drunk, squashed people in front of them, it would do them best to believe them and try and make your way to the front of the moshing another way. They say that you should never underestimate the stupidity of men in groups-how about the stupidity of a man who thinks that they can defy the laws of physics and ran their way to a front like a snow plough with a drink in hand? As well as pouring your drink down your writer's top, you will have her praying that it wasn't pee in that cup. Ramming will result in everyone getting thrown forwards, crushing the legs of the ones in front and again will win you no friends.

Not apologising for sending your fellow moshers-or moshettes-flying as you try to re-enact the parting of the Red Sea is just plain rude.

3. Try and figure out why you are so desperate to get to the front. If you are there to see your favourite band in the entire world, then there is justification in trying to get to the front. If you are watching a decent tribute act but with a frontman that looks like Freddie Mercury if he ate all the pies, then why do you care about getting to the front? No-one will say that your moment of jumping onto the stage with a Tribute Act was the highlight of your evening.

4. There is a reason why people in a crowd will dance with their hands in the air. Okay, it may result in your BO being smelt by all and sundry, but that way more people can see the act and crowd in together. No-one wants to see your breakdancing, so do not dance by ramming your elbows into the back of the people behind you.

5. Do not scream/squeal if you are next to someone's ear.

6. Think before you stage dive and try to ride on top of the crowd. Jumping off the stage on to the top of a girl who is about 5' 2" and breaking her nose will ruin the concert for her.

Admittedly, at the gig I went to, 6 did not happen, but I was amazed at how many people wanted to act like idiots just to hear a tribute act sing 'One Vision' by Queen.